Following is a good student paper. By good I mean that it is clear, well edited and proofread, developed with some specific examples, enhanced with dialogue and descriptive detail and action. This also meets the four-full-pages requirement; in fact, it goes beyond the minimum length requirement.

It is not, however, an "A" paper. Read through the paper (click on the link for a rich-text-format version of the file or a Word document version of the file), and then read the comments that follow.

The above essay earned a solid "B"; why didn't it earn an "A"?

Although clear and sprinkled with some details, the paper lacks a tight focus. The paper attempts to cover several years, many Faire elements, loads of people, clothing styles, shop items--all in a short paper. Consequently, the paper explains a lot that could be shown if less material were being discussed. Even though it is nearly double the required minimum (four full pages) length, it wanders from topic to topic. I recommended that the student look just at a single day, a single aspect of her Renaissance Faire obsession to try to give the reader (especially those of us who do not attend the Faire) a sense of actually being there, seeing what the writer sees, sharing the action.

The student chose to revise the paper for a higher score and produced a definite "A" paper, which you can see by clicking the links below.

This revision is a definite "A" paper.

It's now twice the minimum assignment length (you've got a bit of reading to do now), but here's the irony: the subject is now much smaller. This paper covers a single experience, and there is so much detail, WE are there alongside Kele at the Faire. It shows rather than explains.

Note how it starts with an opening hook; we are right in the middle of action, listening to vivid dialogue. That sort of hook pulls the reader right into the paper.

I might have been tempted to end this a bit earlier with "'That says it all,' the Captain laughs, and pats me on the shoulder as he walks away." Of course, the thesis would then be implicit rather than actually stated, so it could go either way; it's probably a good idea to state the thesis explicitly as Kele does.

In any case, this is a 100-point paper. No, it's not perfect, but it is clearly a superior piece for this level of writing. It is so distinctly detailed that the reader is drawn into the action. It does not try to give a shopping list of Faire activities (shopping lists are not very exciting); instead, it reveals Kele's passion for the Faire by sharing an experience--the sights, sounds, language, movement. It is clear, carefully edited, concrete, specific, engaging, and it supports a very tightly-focused thesis by backing it up with examples.